Get real (emotional)

As I continue on this journey, it has become obvious that I have a long way to go.

When I consider the simple question "what does God require of me?" and contemplate the answer that Micah gives in the 8th verse of chapter 6 - "To love mercy, to do justice, and to walk humbly with your God" I understand that I need help. Well, help doesn't always come when I want or how I want. What's up with that? Actually sometimes I ask those close to me to reveal my blindspots, to give me their perspective on my life that I can't see from my myopic angle. That's usually not when true help arrives, though no fault of the person I'm asking. It usually arrives after I have just blown my cover and then I hear a voice of correction. Sometimes it's in my own head- that still small voice. Sometimes it's the voice of my wife and sometimes it's my friend giving me a book. Sometimes all three...

So we're at a retreat that I mentioned in a previous blog (fully human)and the very first day I say things to Cheri that cause a 'discussion' which ends in her telling me that I put up a front that hides the real me from others. ouch .

There's not really a way to defend that (without reinforcing the perception)

I think I acted like I took it fairly well in the moment but it hit me pretty deep and gave me pause when the speaker started talking like he had been privy to our 'discussion'- see that previous blog again. This started some reflection/introspection which continues to this day. I was sharing all this combined with the incident on the ship (last post) with Shaun and he handed me a book later with the title "Posers, Fakers and wannabees (unmasking the real you)".

Wow. so that's what i am? poser. faker.
but wait...whatabout...can't you see... never mind. face the music. get real

(part of what helps with the context is that when I'm at someone's house and they have a bookshelf in a public room, i'm usually checking it out. that's how i found John Piper (my brothers house) and "the ultimate intention" and others(cheri's grandma's house). so I was starting to form a pile and Shaun helped complete it!)

I finished the book last night (it used to be called "Abba's child" by Brenning Manning)and since I'm not a book reviewer I'll just say that it dovetailed nicely with the idea from the last post. I'm still on the front end of discovering how deep this root is in me. What kind of scares me is that emotions are, or will be, involved. I've been so guarded with my emotions (I won't go into why I think I have been guarded- but for those of you that don't know my past well, I had a very functional home and childhood- just not much emotion. 3 farm boys, etc.) The reality is that my family, including Cheri, has never seen me cry. I just can't let go in public. Could be the control freak in me. Whatever it is has just become the latest revealed blindspot and I don't have any idea how this will play out but I want to live more fully - and I'm thinking that includes my emotions.