Get real (emotional)

As I continue on this journey, it has become obvious that I have a long way to go.

When I consider the simple question "what does God require of me?" and contemplate the answer that Micah gives in the 8th verse of chapter 6 - "To love mercy, to do justice, and to walk humbly with your God" I understand that I need help. Well, help doesn't always come when I want or how I want. What's up with that? Actually sometimes I ask those close to me to reveal my blindspots, to give me their perspective on my life that I can't see from my myopic angle. That's usually not when true help arrives, though no fault of the person I'm asking. It usually arrives after I have just blown my cover and then I hear a voice of correction. Sometimes it's in my own head- that still small voice. Sometimes it's the voice of my wife and sometimes it's my friend giving me a book. Sometimes all three...

So we're at a retreat that I mentioned in a previous blog (fully human)and the very first day I say things to Cheri that cause a 'discussion' which ends in her telling me that I put up a front that hides the real me from others. ouch .

There's not really a way to defend that (without reinforcing the perception)

I think I acted like I took it fairly well in the moment but it hit me pretty deep and gave me pause when the speaker started talking like he had been privy to our 'discussion'- see that previous blog again. This started some reflection/introspection which continues to this day. I was sharing all this combined with the incident on the ship (last post) with Shaun and he handed me a book later with the title "Posers, Fakers and wannabees (unmasking the real you)".

Wow. so that's what i am? poser. faker.
but wait...whatabout...can't you see... never mind. face the music. get real

(part of what helps with the context is that when I'm at someone's house and they have a bookshelf in a public room, i'm usually checking it out. that's how i found John Piper (my brothers house) and "the ultimate intention" and others(cheri's grandma's house). so I was starting to form a pile and Shaun helped complete it!)

I finished the book last night (it used to be called "Abba's child" by Brenning Manning)and since I'm not a book reviewer I'll just say that it dovetailed nicely with the idea from the last post. I'm still on the front end of discovering how deep this root is in me. What kind of scares me is that emotions are, or will be, involved. I've been so guarded with my emotions (I won't go into why I think I have been guarded- but for those of you that don't know my past well, I had a very functional home and childhood- just not much emotion. 3 farm boys, etc.) The reality is that my family, including Cheri, has never seen me cry. I just can't let go in public. Could be the control freak in me. Whatever it is has just become the latest revealed blindspot and I don't have any idea how this will play out but I want to live more fully - and I'm thinking that includes my emotions.

He loves me

We spent two weeks in Mexico over the holidays. The first week at sea then a day in San Diego followed by about 5 days of 'commotion' at the Sheahans in Por Venier. Part of the 'community-in-motion' was reading a book together. Shaun chose "He loves me" by Wayne Jacobsen. We're barely into it so I won't attempt to summarize the book...yet.

The thought that penetrated to a new level was just that..."he loves me". Another simple, yet possibly the most profound idea ever. I've always 'known' this in a doctrine sort of way and grew up singing "Jesus loves me this I know..." so now what is this revelation? How do I explain this deeper "knowing"? It gave me pause and still does, this most profound idea ever. How did I miss out for so long and why did it just now sink in? Why does it matter?- I just want to live in this forever!!!

(it is fascinating and somewhat mystical- how God works and chooses to reveal Himself in new and deeper ways. could i have helped trigger this in any way? actually in this specific instance i had a moment on the ship that I regretted and it caused somewhat of a breakthrough in being real. it was borderline shaming and as i kept my heart open to God, He was able to work it out for His purposes- redeeming it in a way that leaves my head spinning with how He works. possibly this 'opened the door' for Him to work and reveal Himself in a deeper way? yeah, i think it's possible)

So the amazing fact that He loves me can be broken down in so many ways. The Creator and Sustainer of all, who calls Himself my Father, loves me beyond any measure and unconditionally. I was trying to explain this unconditional part to my kids and I just felt so unable to. I am the closest representation of their Real Father and my history has not been stellar. I've heard it said that many people have a hard time thinking past their own father when they think about God and that can be very indicting. I try to not be shamed by that but use it to desire to be a better representation. This is just not possible at all without His love, strength, and wisdom flowing through me. If I'm not connected, then I'm automatically dysfunctional- it's against the way I was designed (to be independent).

Now how should I live? (in this new "knowing") On Sunday and again in small group on Tuesday, John said "be who you are". I've heard and read in the past about our position- what we are. Our life is to flesh out what we are - we are sons of the Most High, we are heirs, we are beloved. I can live in this, live IN it and live it OUT. BE what I already am - act like it, live it out. But I can't do it on my own effort. No, it's Christ in me the hope of glory. Here's Paul in Colossians 1:29 "I work hard as Christ works through me" Well now Paul, can you tell me who it is, is it Christ or you? It's both. When Paul is connected, when he's abiding (John 15)then his life is hidden in Christ. Christ is in Paul, Paul is in Christ- they are inseparable. That's what I want, that's what God wants. What do you want?