an old email

I found this when I was looking for something else. It's the end of email I wrote responding to a business associate who had really disappointed me and my client. It's one of those things I should read more often:

....I have come to the point in my life (it took me long enough) to realize that I can’t do ANYTHING apart from my Creator. Sure, I would have agreed with that intellectually but my life did not demonstrate it. (My personal view of integrity is the size of the gap between what I say I believe and how I actually live). God used some difficult times to show me how desperate life is without Him. It would amaze me that I could go through a difficult time and become so close to God, realizing how I really did need Him and then slowly start thinking that I could do fine on my own and not really keep that relationship alive. I would characterize about 20 years of my life in that cycle. I would like to think that I won’t ever go down that independent path again but, in fact, I start down that path about 30 times a day! It’s just natural to look out for myself and pride has many faces- It’s so unnatural to look to God and beg for help but I realized as our Father, that’s what he wants. He makes a point throughout the Bible in stories and in black and white that He resists the proud and gives grace to the humble. And scripture teaches us to “humble yourself” – interesting that it’s something that I can do myself. Better me than anyone else and better me than God actually. He prefers that I humble myself. How? Whenever I think of it, I ask God to help me. It’s that simple. But He knows my heart, my intentions, my motives and He knows if I’m just repeating some words or if it’s coming from deep within. “Help me” communicates to Him that I need His strength to draw my next breath, to think my next sane thought, to be His light in this world. It also nips pride in the bud. I love watching some baseball players look and point up after a good play or winning the game- it’s a great visual on giving God the credit and not taking it myself. But I’m a work in progress too and I hope that God can use me to cause others to look and point up.