Get real (emotional)

As I continue on this journey, it has become obvious that I have a long way to go.

When I consider the simple question "what does God require of me?" and contemplate the answer that Micah gives in the 8th verse of chapter 6 - "To love mercy, to do justice, and to walk humbly with your God" I understand that I need help. Well, help doesn't always come when I want or how I want. What's up with that? Actually sometimes I ask those close to me to reveal my blindspots, to give me their perspective on my life that I can't see from my myopic angle. That's usually not when true help arrives, though no fault of the person I'm asking. It usually arrives after I have just blown my cover and then I hear a voice of correction. Sometimes it's in my own head- that still small voice. Sometimes it's the voice of my wife and sometimes it's my friend giving me a book. Sometimes all three...

So we're at a retreat that I mentioned in a previous blog (fully human)and the very first day I say things to Cheri that cause a 'discussion' which ends in her telling me that I put up a front that hides the real me from others. ouch .

There's not really a way to defend that (without reinforcing the perception)

I think I acted like I took it fairly well in the moment but it hit me pretty deep and gave me pause when the speaker started talking like he had been privy to our 'discussion'- see that previous blog again. This started some reflection/introspection which continues to this day. I was sharing all this combined with the incident on the ship (last post) with Shaun and he handed me a book later with the title "Posers, Fakers and wannabees (unmasking the real you)".

Wow. so that's what i am? poser. faker.
but wait...whatabout...can't you see... never mind. face the music. get real

(part of what helps with the context is that when I'm at someone's house and they have a bookshelf in a public room, i'm usually checking it out. that's how i found John Piper (my brothers house) and "the ultimate intention" and others(cheri's grandma's house). so I was starting to form a pile and Shaun helped complete it!)

I finished the book last night (it used to be called "Abba's child" by Brenning Manning)and since I'm not a book reviewer I'll just say that it dovetailed nicely with the idea from the last post. I'm still on the front end of discovering how deep this root is in me. What kind of scares me is that emotions are, or will be, involved. I've been so guarded with my emotions (I won't go into why I think I have been guarded- but for those of you that don't know my past well, I had a very functional home and childhood- just not much emotion. 3 farm boys, etc.) The reality is that my family, including Cheri, has never seen me cry. I just can't let go in public. Could be the control freak in me. Whatever it is has just become the latest revealed blindspot and I don't have any idea how this will play out but I want to live more fully - and I'm thinking that includes my emotions.

He loves me

We spent two weeks in Mexico over the holidays. The first week at sea then a day in San Diego followed by about 5 days of 'commotion' at the Sheahans in Por Venier. Part of the 'community-in-motion' was reading a book together. Shaun chose "He loves me" by Wayne Jacobsen. We're barely into it so I won't attempt to summarize the book...yet.

The thought that penetrated to a new level was just that..."he loves me". Another simple, yet possibly the most profound idea ever. I've always 'known' this in a doctrine sort of way and grew up singing "Jesus loves me this I know..." so now what is this revelation? How do I explain this deeper "knowing"? It gave me pause and still does, this most profound idea ever. How did I miss out for so long and why did it just now sink in? Why does it matter?- I just want to live in this forever!!!

(it is fascinating and somewhat mystical- how God works and chooses to reveal Himself in new and deeper ways. could i have helped trigger this in any way? actually in this specific instance i had a moment on the ship that I regretted and it caused somewhat of a breakthrough in being real. it was borderline shaming and as i kept my heart open to God, He was able to work it out for His purposes- redeeming it in a way that leaves my head spinning with how He works. possibly this 'opened the door' for Him to work and reveal Himself in a deeper way? yeah, i think it's possible)

So the amazing fact that He loves me can be broken down in so many ways. The Creator and Sustainer of all, who calls Himself my Father, loves me beyond any measure and unconditionally. I was trying to explain this unconditional part to my kids and I just felt so unable to. I am the closest representation of their Real Father and my history has not been stellar. I've heard it said that many people have a hard time thinking past their own father when they think about God and that can be very indicting. I try to not be shamed by that but use it to desire to be a better representation. This is just not possible at all without His love, strength, and wisdom flowing through me. If I'm not connected, then I'm automatically dysfunctional- it's against the way I was designed (to be independent).

Now how should I live? (in this new "knowing") On Sunday and again in small group on Tuesday, John said "be who you are". I've heard and read in the past about our position- what we are. Our life is to flesh out what we are - we are sons of the Most High, we are heirs, we are beloved. I can live in this, live IN it and live it OUT. BE what I already am - act like it, live it out. But I can't do it on my own effort. No, it's Christ in me the hope of glory. Here's Paul in Colossians 1:29 "I work hard as Christ works through me" Well now Paul, can you tell me who it is, is it Christ or you? It's both. When Paul is connected, when he's abiding (John 15)then his life is hidden in Christ. Christ is in Paul, Paul is in Christ- they are inseparable. That's what I want, that's what God wants. What do you want?

Waking up

I've developed a habit over the past couple of months or so of connecting with God before I get out of bed. As soon as I realize that I'm still alive and still me and have a day in front of me, I think/pray something like- "Good morning, Father. Thank you for a new day, thank you for my life, thank you for working in me and around me and help me to see others the way you see them, help me to see my circumstances and opportunities the way you see them. My life is all yours and I want you to rule me and let me know when I'm not cooperating. I need you desperately in every way and want others to see you better through me. Thanks..."

What exactly started this I'm not sure but it's been a combination of learning (in an experiential way)that I was designed to be connected to God. Any thought, words or action that expresses independence is absolutely dysfunctional. Another learning is that it really is possible to pray without ceasing. Essentially the same as being/staying connected but in a more conscious way - the fact that every thought I think can be prayer. If I'm connected (and being connected properly is to be aligned-to know who the boss is, acknowledge it and embrace it)then my thoughts are connected.

The experience of waking up every day is like pushing the 'reset' button on life to a small degree. The vast majority of days prior to my new habit started with some version of this in my head after and in between hitting the snooze button "oh boy, already morning, I'm so tired I wish I could call a timeout on life and just catch up on my sleep- oh well, what's on my plate today? (people, projects, plans, priorities follow in jumbled stress)Do I have time to read my bible? not if I want to get 7 more minutes or make it to the meeting on time. I better get up-I wish it was Saturday- Okay, here it goes...." Not much excitement, not much hope, not connected- just out on my own power...and insecure, anxious, and stressed OR if things seem to all be "going my way" at the moment-I'm proud and pompous. Either way, less than fully human and not attractive at all.

Why did it take me this long to figure this out????

Fully human

I just spent 3+ days at a gathering at Mt. Hermon with Cheri, good friends and a group of people on a journey. The journey is the same for us all, yet takes us down different roads. I’d love to be able to summarize it in a sentence or even a paragraph but….so….OK- I’ll give it my best and try real hard not to use worn out cliches. Most of us come from the Christian religion and we have seen it become in many ways just that- another religion with the associated rules, rites, guilt, shame, subculture, expectations, who’s who, are you in or out, etc. Many have come to a point of being tired- tired of playing the game. Frankly, tired of ‘doctrine’, tired of living up to the expectations of the rule-keepers, tired of religion. So we dream and we let our well trained minds out of the ‘religion’ box and ask “what did God have in mind when he made us? What does it mean to be fully human? Is that congruent with the ‘abundant life’ or ‘eternal life’?” In other words, did God create us to play a type of waiting game- sticking it out and sucking it up in this life while we wait for that next one? Does human = bad?

The one example that seemed to get more play than others had to do with appearances. One man’s story about his senior picture that had been airbrushed and how he wanted that picture to represent him even though it was the most unlike him. The idea is that we (and especially I) want to project an image that is better than reality. We want to show our ‘good’ side and keep the other side(s) hidden, secret. Someone has said “you are only as sick as your secrets”. And so, part of living in real community is not hiding, but revealing. Not being ashamed of our humanity but exposing all of it- the good, the bad, and the sinful. Confessing to each other is God’s way. It’s healthy. It’s functional- highly functional. Must be how we were made. The more that I keep it to myself, the more unrealistic I am and want others to be about me. Not good=not healthy=not functional=not the way were made.

(I had a feeling this wouldn’t be short) Being the visual type I came to view my life as a pipe- like a pipe that carries water, say…in a fountain. I function best when the water can flow unimpeded through me. So what people notice as they see the fountain is the water, not the pipes that carry the water. The best that I can offer is to be a clean, clear channel for the living water to flow. Anything that hinders the flow or draws attention to the pipe is not fully functional- in fact dysfunctional. My 'pipe' is not identical to any other pipe so the fountain flowing through me will be unique- the expression of Christ living through me will look different than anyone else. Not only is that OK, it's by design and it's the mosaic that makes the body so beautiful (when it's functioning) I just remembered a song from college days "I got a river of life flowing out of me.."

Other thoughts from the weekend:
Heidi (who has adopted 7 boys – 3 from Africa) waking up to pray “God help me, there is no way I can pull this off under my own power” before she rolls out every morning.

Kelley talking about counting the cost and realizing that when we don’t have enough on our own- to negotiate the terms of peace, which in our case with God means full surrender.

unity through diversity

This sounds attractive and happens to be an ideal named on the coins of our country (in latin) and is also the ideal of the body and bride of Christ, the church.

There's the theory and then there's real life. If we all have the mind of Christ, we would not have divisions. (I originally put a ? after that sentence but then used the .) We would still have many styles of worship and 'denominations' I suppose, but it would never be an "us vs. them"

Having the mind of Christ is the challenge. This would not preclude our individual gifts, talents, preferences but it would "consider others more important than ourselves" and all the rest that we read in Philippians 3 and other passages.

I'm thinking that God must be grieved by the divisions that are a result of not having the mind of Christ. What can I do though about the whole world, or even the "Christian-(little Christ)" community? Well, I can affect everyone I come into contact with and if enough people did the same our communities, culture, and world would reach a tipping point. The kingdom at hand? I think so!

The ultimate intention

It's the name of a book that I'm reading (by DeVern F. Fromke). I found it in Cheri's grandmother's library over a year ago and have been reading it sporadically. I love to read and used to read one book at a time but lately I've been reading a few at once. The effects are synergistic and serendipitous so I just go with it and don't try to force the 'recipe'.

This particular book seems a little obscure and it has taken the longest to get through. I've read 8-10 completely since I've started "The Ultimate Intention" and I'm only 2/3 done. On a scale of potential life impact this book is around 9.5 so it's worth the slow go.

Today I read 5 principles which 'coincide' perfectly with my current thoughts. I use " because I understand that God controls these things in ways I don't understand (or try to force) but just accept in awe. Here are the 5 found on p. 124:

1) God's grace is demonstrated that we might be free from captivity, but this freedom is to be used for and unto His ultimate intention.
2) God always asks that which is impossible to the natural man in order that His people will be dependant upon divine, spiritual resources.
3) God designs all things to function properly under His control. He is not content to merely set us free, but longs to "turn our captivity"; that is, He longs to bring us back into His captivity.
4) Man must either submit to God's purposes or become captive to some other law. God's plan will not allow us to live long in liberty apart from law.
5) God's pattern is not spurts of consecration and dedication, but a consistent walk leading into a continuous unfolding revelation of His plan and purpose.

One thing

The synthesizer in me is always trying to simplify.
What would it be like if, instead of trying to remember a few hundred things every day, I could boil it down to 3 or 4? That's really attractive because it stresses me out to think I may be forgetting something. So there are many levels of application here: the most obvious, external is the to do list- calls to make, things to do, bills to pay, places to go, etc. My answer is to remember Outlook and my notebook. Outlook has appointments and general recurring tasks. The notebook has specific recurring tasks and somewhat of a journal. So I can "remember" thousands by just remembering 2 things. That was easy. It just involves the habit of learning to enter info into the appropriate document. Organization 101.

Now move to a more philosophical level. How can I remember all the "beliefs" and "ought to's" that I should? Since this is not a tangible, "check it off" realm- it's a bit more slippery but because it affects my life on a deeper level and drives the life of the paragraph above, it is essential that my 'system' for remembering here is very purposed. I'm not suggesting that I can put my spiritual life in a box with a system and be content. What I'm searching for is the "one thing" that is the core, the starting point, the foundation, the first grid which all succesive layers of the grid must be true to. It has boiled down to this for me: Be right with God. Boy, that sounded really profound. Here's my thought behind the word "right"- I can determine right from wrong based on design or original intent. God has made everything on purpose with a design and the best I can do is to be completely in line with that- right. The first "right" is that I was made to be in relationship with Him. Any sense, idea, or act of independence is flat out wrong. Because this is not the state that I was born into, I have to reprogram and acknowledge this on a continual basis. The first time that I "connected" was an amazing experience- the thought of being right where I was made to be was overwhelming in a good way. My nature is not to stay there though and so part of the "one thing" is to remind myself of this truth: I am desperate and hopeless without God, I am fully alive (what I was made to be) when He lives in me and through me. A mystery yes, but a true and right one. The fact that He designed us to recognize, desire, and enjoy this is true love- I'm so grateful right now just thinking of that.

The second part of the "one thing" is that, in our relationship we are not equals- he rules and i submit. In this relationship it's a beautiful thing. In others it gets a bad rap because no one is perfect and there is much abuse. The kingdom is all about ruling, it's all about soveignty, it's all about God being the creator and me being the creation. When this is as it should be, my life is right! The core is in place and so my preoccupation can stop about all the lists of do's and don'ts and shoulds and shon'ts (just go with it for the ryhme). I may be able to stop asking WWJD and actually observe Him through me.

That's the "one thing" for me. I need to be connected to and ruled by my Father, the King of Kings. It's just amazing that what I need I also crave and any other option is so empty.