An analogy that is stuck in my head is about the two men racing to cut down a tree. One man starts hacking away immediately and the other sharpens his axe for the first thirty minutes. You know who wins. I know how this applies to my day, my life. Why don't I sharpen the axe every day? What does it mean to sharpen my axe? The link below says it best (and it was written more than 100 years ago). Personally, it means to: connect with my creator, remind myself of truth, put my day and all my aspirations in His hands THEN start chopping...
http://gracegems.org/Miller/for_a_busy_day.htm
Thank you Lois via mom!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Caution - pruning in process, get real
Thanks to Sharon encouraging me to keep this up or I might have have abandoned the blog. I know it's a great outlet for me and I don't journal like I used to (why?- it's so healthy for me...)
Frankly, the last 7 months have been a time of pruning. Pruning is such an innocent sounding word for all the stress and confusion that surrounds it. There's no way to get the full flavor here but I'll hit the 'highlights'. [big sigh]
It all started when I got completely real with God 25 years ago and told him that he could do with me whatever he wanted because i was done with my life in terms of control. I've re-upped on that deal from time to time when I've sensed that I'm taking back control or taking credit for my life. God keeps his end of the bargain very well and doesn't always wait for me to sense (again) my utter dependance on him to keep the process moving forward.
This latest round has the surface look of finacial problems. Little to no work, bills that aren't being paid, wondering what changes will come if this continues...
Money is a constant theme in scripture and I know it's a big indicator of our relationship with God. I've never seen myself of having a good handle on money so the pride wasn't directly in that. The pride was more in the idea that I thought my reputation at work was so good that I would never lack for it. I was the provider for my family and they were all just fine, thank you. We didn't have luxeries or feel the need to keep up with the Jones' but that was also a convuluted form of spiritual pride. What amazes me is how pride can work into any agenda that isn't truly of God.
I took pride in being punctual, current, responsible and all those good things and God gently took those away from me. I say gently with total sincerity because I know it could have been way more disruptive. Here's the core idea, as I see it: God is removing layers of my identity which I had constructed. WHY I constructed this is a good question. Was I living off others' scripts? Did I care more about what other people thought than what God thinks? And the human justification is always presenting itself: it's good business to be punctual, to pay my bills on time, to respond to clients and prospects in a timely and thourough way. And that's where it gets tricky because the answer is yes. I certainly don't think that God would want me to be the opposite and yet, it seems that He has caused (crippled) me to not be able to BE what I thought i WAS. He did it to show me who I really am without Him. I won't go into all the details, partly because I don't know them but when I see a glimpse of who I am without Him, it is a picture that it alternately pathetic (thanks Brett) and scary.
So he has me on a journey that is part of His big story and part of my story. The current journey is an identity crisis. I think that term gets thrown around alot so here's what it looks like to me right now: God is removing identifiers in and around me that obstruct or blur a clear view that others might have of his Son. Some of these may have seemed good but they were tainted with pride, the idea that somehow I could take credit for it. This process has to involve extended times because it's change (another blog later on change requiring time and what it will mean to live without time...) Something about being human requires time and repeated experiences to produce a paradigm shift. Paul had a dramatic conversion but then spent 3 or so years in the desert being instructed, undergoing a big mind shift. And while I would love this to be over sooner than later, I understand that the longer it continues, the deeper it's ingrained in me that he loves me enough to discipline me and wants to conform me to the image of his Son.
Two of the issues that I have to deal with on daily basis because of this: 1) how do I answer people that ask me how I'm doing? The poser needs to be gone but I also want to be positive. Ultimately this whole thing IS positive, it just doesn't feel that way much of the time. This has helped me to reframe my thinking to view my situation through God's eyes instead of viewing God through the lens of my situation. 2) how do I pursue work and connections with the energy and hope that i usually have when I don't know how long God will continue this drought and possibly even directing me to something else?
Shaun gave me a book called "isolation" that was perfect for me at this time. Someone gave it to him when he needed it and now he sensed it was my turn. It is HUGE when someone can accurately describe what's going on, identify it, and help you through it. David, Jeff, John, Daniel and many others including two small groups have come alongside in different ways to help me experience and therefore, more fully understand the importance of the body healing itself (when connected to the head)
I don't doubt Gods presence or his love for me. In fact, it has only been strengthened during this time. I like Job's perspective 'though he slay me, yet will i trust him' Call it the ultimate Stockholm syndrome. I want to so identify and empathize with my captor that I can't imagine being independant.
The bottom line for me: STAY CONNECTED - I have to be OK with the yellow flag warning that I get when disconnection produces insecurity, anxiety, apathy, anger and other disfuctional responses. I used to ignore and deny this which would require masking, posing, etc. Connection to God AND to others. Engage, be interested, help, encourage. My default is to
The byproduct of connection is awareness and guidance. I want to be more aware of Gods' big story. I suppose there's some balance between being aware of God's big story and what He's up to specifically with me but if I truly am connected then it's all working together. If I get too distracted and theoritcal with the big story then maybe that's another yellow flag.
I pray that John 15 marinates in my life and my branch is always in the true vine.
Your's too
Frankly, the last 7 months have been a time of pruning. Pruning is such an innocent sounding word for all the stress and confusion that surrounds it. There's no way to get the full flavor here but I'll hit the 'highlights'. [big sigh]
It all started when I got completely real with God 25 years ago and told him that he could do with me whatever he wanted because i was done with my life in terms of control. I've re-upped on that deal from time to time when I've sensed that I'm taking back control or taking credit for my life. God keeps his end of the bargain very well and doesn't always wait for me to sense (again) my utter dependance on him to keep the process moving forward.
This latest round has the surface look of finacial problems. Little to no work, bills that aren't being paid, wondering what changes will come if this continues...
Money is a constant theme in scripture and I know it's a big indicator of our relationship with God. I've never seen myself of having a good handle on money so the pride wasn't directly in that. The pride was more in the idea that I thought my reputation at work was so good that I would never lack for it. I was the provider for my family and they were all just fine, thank you. We didn't have luxeries or feel the need to keep up with the Jones' but that was also a convuluted form of spiritual pride. What amazes me is how pride can work into any agenda that isn't truly of God.
I took pride in being punctual, current, responsible and all those good things and God gently took those away from me. I say gently with total sincerity because I know it could have been way more disruptive. Here's the core idea, as I see it: God is removing layers of my identity which I had constructed. WHY I constructed this is a good question. Was I living off others' scripts? Did I care more about what other people thought than what God thinks? And the human justification is always presenting itself: it's good business to be punctual, to pay my bills on time, to respond to clients and prospects in a timely and thourough way. And that's where it gets tricky because the answer is yes. I certainly don't think that God would want me to be the opposite and yet, it seems that He has caused (crippled) me to not be able to BE what I thought i WAS. He did it to show me who I really am without Him. I won't go into all the details, partly because I don't know them but when I see a glimpse of who I am without Him, it is a picture that it alternately pathetic (thanks Brett) and scary.
So he has me on a journey that is part of His big story and part of my story. The current journey is an identity crisis. I think that term gets thrown around alot so here's what it looks like to me right now: God is removing identifiers in and around me that obstruct or blur a clear view that others might have of his Son. Some of these may have seemed good but they were tainted with pride, the idea that somehow I could take credit for it. This process has to involve extended times because it's change (another blog later on change requiring time and what it will mean to live without time...) Something about being human requires time and repeated experiences to produce a paradigm shift. Paul had a dramatic conversion but then spent 3 or so years in the desert being instructed, undergoing a big mind shift. And while I would love this to be over sooner than later, I understand that the longer it continues, the deeper it's ingrained in me that he loves me enough to discipline me and wants to conform me to the image of his Son.
Two of the issues that I have to deal with on daily basis because of this: 1) how do I answer people that ask me how I'm doing? The poser needs to be gone but I also want to be positive. Ultimately this whole thing IS positive, it just doesn't feel that way much of the time. This has helped me to reframe my thinking to view my situation through God's eyes instead of viewing God through the lens of my situation. 2) how do I pursue work and connections with the energy and hope that i usually have when I don't know how long God will continue this drought and possibly even directing me to something else?
Shaun gave me a book called "isolation" that was perfect for me at this time. Someone gave it to him when he needed it and now he sensed it was my turn. It is HUGE when someone can accurately describe what's going on, identify it, and help you through it. David, Jeff, John, Daniel and many others including two small groups have come alongside in different ways to help me experience and therefore, more fully understand the importance of the body healing itself (when connected to the head)
I don't doubt Gods presence or his love for me. In fact, it has only been strengthened during this time. I like Job's perspective 'though he slay me, yet will i trust him' Call it the ultimate Stockholm syndrome. I want to so identify and empathize with my captor that I can't imagine being independant.
The bottom line for me: STAY CONNECTED - I have to be OK with the yellow flag warning that I get when disconnection produces insecurity, anxiety, apathy, anger and other disfuctional responses. I used to ignore and deny this which would require masking, posing, etc. Connection to God AND to others. Engage, be interested, help, encourage. My default is to
The byproduct of connection is awareness and guidance. I want to be more aware of Gods' big story. I suppose there's some balance between being aware of God's big story and what He's up to specifically with me but if I truly am connected then it's all working together. If I get too distracted and theoritcal with the big story then maybe that's another yellow flag.
I pray that John 15 marinates in my life and my branch is always in the true vine.
Your's too
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