Resolved?

A friend from Africa said that he wished for me whatever I wished for 2010. About 3 weeks ago I made a list of decisions or mindsets that I wish to be more aware of and resolve to make the right choice:

Isolate vs. Engage

Initiative vs. Apathy

Control vs. Surrender

Anxiety vs. Peace/Trust

Gratitude vs. Complaining

Willing submission vs. Independent, stubborn pride

Eyes wide open for miracles vs. eyes down and inward

Possibility vs. Problems

Trying to figure it all out vs. Letting it go

Serving others vs. My own agenda

Desire to be right vs. Give affirmation

Inspire others vs. Comfort myself

In summary, I wish to be more of what I was created to be: in right relationship with God and others – to be whole – Shalom.

Happy New Year!

If your day will be busy

An analogy that is stuck in my head is about the two men racing to cut down a tree. One man starts hacking away immediately and the other sharpens his axe for the first thirty minutes. You know who wins. I know how this applies to my day, my life. Why don't I sharpen the axe every day? What does it mean to sharpen my axe? The link below says it best (and it was written more than 100 years ago). Personally, it means to: connect with my creator, remind myself of truth, put my day and all my aspirations in His hands THEN start chopping...

http://gracegems.org/Miller/for_a_busy_day.htm

Thank you Lois via mom!

Caution - pruning in process, get real

Thanks to Sharon encouraging me to keep this up or I might have have abandoned the blog. I know it's a great outlet for me and I don't journal like I used to (why?- it's so healthy for me...)
Frankly, the last 7 months have been a time of pruning. Pruning is such an innocent sounding word for all the stress and confusion that surrounds it. There's no way to get the full flavor here but I'll hit the 'highlights'. [big sigh]
It all started when I got completely real with God 25 years ago and told him that he could do with me whatever he wanted because i was done with my life in terms of control. I've re-upped on that deal from time to time when I've sensed that I'm taking back control or taking credit for my life. God keeps his end of the bargain very well and doesn't always wait for me to sense (again) my utter dependance on him to keep the process moving forward.
This latest round has the surface look of finacial problems. Little to no work, bills that aren't being paid, wondering what changes will come if this continues...
Money is a constant theme in scripture and I know it's a big indicator of our relationship with God. I've never seen myself of having a good handle on money so the pride wasn't directly in that. The pride was more in the idea that I thought my reputation at work was so good that I would never lack for it. I was the provider for my family and they were all just fine, thank you. We didn't have luxeries or feel the need to keep up with the Jones' but that was also a convuluted form of spiritual pride. What amazes me is how pride can work into any agenda that isn't truly of God.
I took pride in being punctual, current, responsible and all those good things and God gently took those away from me. I say gently with total sincerity because I know it could have been way more disruptive. Here's the core idea, as I see it: God is removing layers of my identity which I had constructed. WHY I constructed this is a good question. Was I living off others' scripts? Did I care more about what other people thought than what God thinks? And the human justification is always presenting itself: it's good business to be punctual, to pay my bills on time, to respond to clients and prospects in a timely and thourough way. And that's where it gets tricky because the answer is yes. I certainly don't think that God would want me to be the opposite and yet, it seems that He has caused (crippled) me to not be able to BE what I thought i WAS. He did it to show me who I really am without Him. I won't go into all the details, partly because I don't know them but when I see a glimpse of who I am without Him, it is a picture that it alternately pathetic (thanks Brett) and scary.
So he has me on a journey that is part of His big story and part of my story. The current journey is an identity crisis. I think that term gets thrown around alot so here's what it looks like to me right now: God is removing identifiers in and around me that obstruct or blur a clear view that others might have of his Son. Some of these may have seemed good but they were tainted with pride, the idea that somehow I could take credit for it. This process has to involve extended times because it's change (another blog later on change requiring time and what it will mean to live without time...) Something about being human requires time and repeated experiences to produce a paradigm shift. Paul had a dramatic conversion but then spent 3 or so years in the desert being instructed, undergoing a big mind shift. And while I would love this to be over sooner than later, I understand that the longer it continues, the deeper it's ingrained in me that he loves me enough to discipline me and wants to conform me to the image of his Son.
Two of the issues that I have to deal with on daily basis because of this: 1) how do I answer people that ask me how I'm doing? The poser needs to be gone but I also want to be positive. Ultimately this whole thing IS positive, it just doesn't feel that way much of the time. This has helped me to reframe my thinking to view my situation through God's eyes instead of viewing God through the lens of my situation. 2) how do I pursue work and connections with the energy and hope that i usually have when I don't know how long God will continue this drought and possibly even directing me to something else?
Shaun gave me a book called "isolation" that was perfect for me at this time. Someone gave it to him when he needed it and now he sensed it was my turn. It is HUGE when someone can accurately describe what's going on, identify it, and help you through it. David, Jeff, John, Daniel and many others including two small groups have come alongside in different ways to help me experience and therefore, more fully understand the importance of the body healing itself (when connected to the head)
I don't doubt Gods presence or his love for me. In fact, it has only been strengthened during this time. I like Job's perspective 'though he slay me, yet will i trust him' Call it the ultimate Stockholm syndrome. I want to so identify and empathize with my captor that I can't imagine being independant.
The bottom line for me: STAY CONNECTED - I have to be OK with the yellow flag warning that I get when disconnection produces insecurity, anxiety, apathy, anger and other disfuctional responses. I used to ignore and deny this which would require masking, posing, etc. Connection to God AND to others. Engage, be interested, help, encourage. My default is to
The byproduct of connection is awareness and guidance. I want to be more aware of Gods' big story. I suppose there's some balance between being aware of God's big story and what He's up to specifically with me but if I truly am connected then it's all working together. If I get too distracted and theoritcal with the big story then maybe that's another yellow flag.
I pray that John 15 marinates in my life and my branch is always in the true vine.
Your's too

ski lift philosophy

First a disclaimer - this may be similar to "arm chair quarterbacking" because I'm not a philosopher by trade or training, I just like to play at it. So anyways...

I was sitting on the chairlift today and had some time to think about more than planning my next route down the mountain. I think it started with the idea of control and oh yeah, I was thinking that I wasn't as obsessive/compulsive about tying up all the loose ends before leaving on vacation. I was reminded today of a couple things that I didn't take care of (oops) by the guys at work. So I asked myself why and is that a good thing and how do I move away from being a control freak but not toward being careless or apathetic (I know the answer is "carefully"- very funny). This sparked a thought into a much bigger arena which I will do my best to describe. (remember the disclaimer before reading on)

It seems to be human nature to want to figure it all out- to make sense of our existence in a general, philosophical sense as well as all of the details. So mankind, in every culture throughout history has developed overarching themes, stories, religions, and philosophies to explain life. Even if someone claims to be independent of all of this, they are still living from some type of script, whether consciously or not. (oh, and excuse my grammar)It seems that the authors of any given script always make their own people out to be the best, the 'good', the right and preferred.

I have lived from a script inherited from my parents. I've lived from a similar script contained in the community. In a general sense, I've lived from a script that is common in our country and in western civilization. That script has always represented truth to me. The unsettling thought that usually is repressed is "how can everyone on earth have conflicting stories/philosophies/religions and think that WE are right, WE are the chosen ones, WE have truth" when everyone else has the same thought. It's easy to believe the script when you're surrounded by all the reinforcing script writers. What if I'm immersed into a foreign culture with a completely different or even opposite script? And so (sidenote) this is how the majority get complacent, the minority have more of a determination to rock the status quo and history keeps repeating itself.

In the interest of staying focused, this was where my thoughts went on the chairlift (yeah it was a long lift). There is a danger in thinking that we have life all figured out, that we can make sense of the minutiae. I think there is a condition called "wonder" that is healthy. Healthy because it's real. It lines up with reality better than thinking we understand how it all works. Historically it seems that when a script gets too defined and rigid, it loses it's life and becomes the status quo. Even the minority roles that seeks to usurp the old status quo can become the new status quo.

Challenge to self: is there a way to avoid the trend toward lifeless dogma? There is an answer, but be careful, because the answer can itself become lifeless dogma. (We can turn anything new and fresh and exciting into tiresome rules and formulas given enough time) The answer is a personal relationship with my Creator. Now life takes a whole fresh meaning (if I let Him open my mind in wonder and don't blindly accept the dogma that's been scripted about Him, but read His own script through new, fresh eyes) If I try to see it through His eyes- how sad that people have preconceived ideas that keep them from approaching Him! How hurtful to see Yourself misrepresented by so many in religious authority. How much He wants to include you and I into His community but will not force the issue (can one force love, even if they are all powerful?) What can I do today to discover the real Lover of my soul and work past the scripts that might not be representing Him well? It may involve deconstructing of some familiar storylines, replaced with constructing on Truth (as in a person, not a script)

My concluding thought on the lift: I want to always be in a posture of wonder. I don't have to try to pigeon hole everybody and every situation. God knows and I will trust Him, he has proven Himself to me beyond any shadow of a doubt. Ever wonder what God is up to in a certain situation, how he's working in someone? I wonder....

The problem with books

...and part of the reason for book clubs. The greatest invention in history is the printing press. That's my opinion of course, but impossible to disprove so....Maybe it's because I love to read and don't get to read enough that I've developed a slightly jaded attitude toward books lately (a shunned lover?). There is a very strong possibility that I might not be able to say this all like I want but I'll give it a shot....

Books have enabled knowledge and ideas to spread faster than than humans can responsibly absorb them because they tend to be absorbed by individuals at individual rates, not by groups at the same rate. What happens when ideas hit an individual who ponders and processes it all internally? What becomes of knowledge and ideas that are absorbed by individuals and mixed with other fermenting ideas within themselves that have not been thoroughly vetted by others? Have books added to the great conversation or subtracted? What happens to a society when all the individuals are absorbing different ideas at different rates? (I'm not suggesting that this is altogether bad)

Before books how did knowledge transfer? How did ideas spread? How was history documented? Oral tradition. People had to talk it out, they had to repeat it over and over- many times in group settings. What did this cause- discussion? Conversation? A shared experience? Growing together? Is this a good thing? Could they retain their own identity as a person and still have greater bonds with others?

Now, with books, we 'hear' ideas in the silence of our mind as we read isolated from our community- even if it's in bed at night, on the couch at Starbucks, or right next to a friend reading another book. Don't get me wrong- I think books are powerful, they have the power to move mankind in amazing ways. Remember, I love to read. BUT....but what I'm wondering is- What are missing out on by reading a book to ourselves and not reading it with others? Our culture values individuality possibly to a dysfunctional extreme. How can we expect to live in community, to encourage the brotherhood of mankind when we are each pursuing our own individual "idea agenda"? Even if our community is pursuing the same goals, are we sabotaging our efforts with our approach to absorbing and assimilating ideas and information? If not sabotaging, then at least retarding?

I guess this boils down to a personal revelation that I think (because I've been told) that I think too much and can over analyze. Why? I honestly believe that it's because I have read so much that has gone unfiltered by the people around me. I read a book and it has had tremendous impact on my thinking. Books have literally shifted my paradigm and yet I sense an inability to fully communicate and reveal the extent of that impact- because (my opinion)I was not communicating during the transformation. Information and ideas were hitting my grid and reforming it without input or exchange from anyone else (to a large degree). Something about that doesn't jive with what I've come to understand about life the way it was supposed to be. (If you've made it this far, you might be thinking about how I came to that conclusion-yes through reading on my own BUT...there has been dialogue with others)

Ideally - I'm just putting it out there that I think we were made to live together, not alone, not lonely. This includes conversation, dialog, exchanges. Maybe I've over thought and overreacted. If so, it's because- well, I've been thinking too much on my own.

Recognizing Jesus

I was in a group of guys the other night and we were reading John 21. Five of Jesus' followers were out fishing (or trying)all night and Jesus appeared on the shore in the morning, called out to them about how to catch more fish and then cooked them breakfast after they landed with their nets bursting. The NIV translation says in v. 12 "now come and have some breakfast!" Jesus said. And no one dared ask him if he really was the Lord because they were sure of it.

What? Come again?

That's a strange thing to say - on the surface. They didn't dare ask because they were sure? Then why mention it? Why consider asking? daring to ask? This suddenly hit me in the middle of the discussion- I've been here, I've thought this. And John just nailed it. Jesus shows up and we know it's him but it's so...so out of place in one sense and yet so ordinary in another sense. This had to have been surreal for John and the guys. Jesus shows up, gives some obscure fishing advice that fills the net, then cooks breakfast for all. A scripture that haunts me is the one that says "I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was... and you..." I don't believe this is figurative anymore. I think it's literal. I think it's Jesus. I've heard too many stories and my eyes are open just enough to know that He is alive, He is risen, and He lives. Can I see him? He will just appear. He will give obscure advice. He will cook breakfast. It will be amazing and at the same time so ordinary that I will usually miss it. I need to ask, even if it requires a dare.

On a lighter note- one of my recent best memories of my dad includes this story (John 21). My brother and I were back in NE to visit and the pastor was away so, in Tallin tradition, the Steele men were slated to take the 'sermon' time. (background info- Dad has preached and taught an adult class, he knows how to share, deeply and extemporaneously) So...Dad was first and he got up and said that he had been reading John with the rest of the church and on his birthday (sept 21) he read chapter 21. Actually he startedreading the chapter and said that when he came to verse 3 "simon peter said, 'I'm going fishing'.." he thought that was such a great idea that he closed the book and went fishing that day. With that shared, he closed his bible and took his seat. 30 seconds max. I still remember Ben and I looking at each other- "How do you follow that?"

Godspeed

I don't know the origins of the word godspeed but I've attached my own personal definition to it. This idea hit me when I was in Mexico with a group from OC and SD looking at some possible partnerships there. Godspeed is moving at the speed of God- which is neither too fast (not that I can get ahead of God, but I can forge ahead on my own agenda and time line in the western mindset of productivity and efficiency)nor too slow (that passive-aggresive digging in the heels when God is prompting)

Jesus moved at godspeed. Paul usually did, it seems. Peter finally figured it out (he was known for forging ahead at times). I want to figure this out-I want to move at godspeed more and more. It has to be Spirit controlled and when I'm "walking" like that, seeing life through His perspective- time warps a little bit. I'm in some kind of sync or rhythm. Noticeably absent are stress and anxiety (either from rushing or resisting)

What makes it most difficult to live at godspeed? "Culturespeed" to coin another word. If people around me are living on a frequency that's off, it will be harder to stay on God's 'frequency'. I can also point the finger right back at me, too. I can put expectations on myself of what I think others want and that can really foul up a good rhythm. I'm no musician but I know there's something about tuning to a standard. I know the Standard and I know how to tune (or actually how to let myself be tuned. My challenge is to recognize sooner when I'm out of sync. God help me.

Get real (emotional)

As I continue on this journey, it has become obvious that I have a long way to go.

When I consider the simple question "what does God require of me?" and contemplate the answer that Micah gives in the 8th verse of chapter 6 - "To love mercy, to do justice, and to walk humbly with your God" I understand that I need help. Well, help doesn't always come when I want or how I want. What's up with that? Actually sometimes I ask those close to me to reveal my blindspots, to give me their perspective on my life that I can't see from my myopic angle. That's usually not when true help arrives, though no fault of the person I'm asking. It usually arrives after I have just blown my cover and then I hear a voice of correction. Sometimes it's in my own head- that still small voice. Sometimes it's the voice of my wife and sometimes it's my friend giving me a book. Sometimes all three...

So we're at a retreat that I mentioned in a previous blog (fully human)and the very first day I say things to Cheri that cause a 'discussion' which ends in her telling me that I put up a front that hides the real me from others. ouch .

There's not really a way to defend that (without reinforcing the perception)

I think I acted like I took it fairly well in the moment but it hit me pretty deep and gave me pause when the speaker started talking like he had been privy to our 'discussion'- see that previous blog again. This started some reflection/introspection which continues to this day. I was sharing all this combined with the incident on the ship (last post) with Shaun and he handed me a book later with the title "Posers, Fakers and wannabees (unmasking the real you)".

Wow. so that's what i am? poser. faker.
but wait...whatabout...can't you see... never mind. face the music. get real

(part of what helps with the context is that when I'm at someone's house and they have a bookshelf in a public room, i'm usually checking it out. that's how i found John Piper (my brothers house) and "the ultimate intention" and others(cheri's grandma's house). so I was starting to form a pile and Shaun helped complete it!)

I finished the book last night (it used to be called "Abba's child" by Brenning Manning)and since I'm not a book reviewer I'll just say that it dovetailed nicely with the idea from the last post. I'm still on the front end of discovering how deep this root is in me. What kind of scares me is that emotions are, or will be, involved. I've been so guarded with my emotions (I won't go into why I think I have been guarded- but for those of you that don't know my past well, I had a very functional home and childhood- just not much emotion. 3 farm boys, etc.) The reality is that my family, including Cheri, has never seen me cry. I just can't let go in public. Could be the control freak in me. Whatever it is has just become the latest revealed blindspot and I don't have any idea how this will play out but I want to live more fully - and I'm thinking that includes my emotions.

He loves me

We spent two weeks in Mexico over the holidays. The first week at sea then a day in San Diego followed by about 5 days of 'commotion' at the Sheahans in Por Venier. Part of the 'community-in-motion' was reading a book together. Shaun chose "He loves me" by Wayne Jacobsen. We're barely into it so I won't attempt to summarize the book...yet.

The thought that penetrated to a new level was just that..."he loves me". Another simple, yet possibly the most profound idea ever. I've always 'known' this in a doctrine sort of way and grew up singing "Jesus loves me this I know..." so now what is this revelation? How do I explain this deeper "knowing"? It gave me pause and still does, this most profound idea ever. How did I miss out for so long and why did it just now sink in? Why does it matter?- I just want to live in this forever!!!

(it is fascinating and somewhat mystical- how God works and chooses to reveal Himself in new and deeper ways. could i have helped trigger this in any way? actually in this specific instance i had a moment on the ship that I regretted and it caused somewhat of a breakthrough in being real. it was borderline shaming and as i kept my heart open to God, He was able to work it out for His purposes- redeeming it in a way that leaves my head spinning with how He works. possibly this 'opened the door' for Him to work and reveal Himself in a deeper way? yeah, i think it's possible)

So the amazing fact that He loves me can be broken down in so many ways. The Creator and Sustainer of all, who calls Himself my Father, loves me beyond any measure and unconditionally. I was trying to explain this unconditional part to my kids and I just felt so unable to. I am the closest representation of their Real Father and my history has not been stellar. I've heard it said that many people have a hard time thinking past their own father when they think about God and that can be very indicting. I try to not be shamed by that but use it to desire to be a better representation. This is just not possible at all without His love, strength, and wisdom flowing through me. If I'm not connected, then I'm automatically dysfunctional- it's against the way I was designed (to be independent).

Now how should I live? (in this new "knowing") On Sunday and again in small group on Tuesday, John said "be who you are". I've heard and read in the past about our position- what we are. Our life is to flesh out what we are - we are sons of the Most High, we are heirs, we are beloved. I can live in this, live IN it and live it OUT. BE what I already am - act like it, live it out. But I can't do it on my own effort. No, it's Christ in me the hope of glory. Here's Paul in Colossians 1:29 "I work hard as Christ works through me" Well now Paul, can you tell me who it is, is it Christ or you? It's both. When Paul is connected, when he's abiding (John 15)then his life is hidden in Christ. Christ is in Paul, Paul is in Christ- they are inseparable. That's what I want, that's what God wants. What do you want?